The Valley Advocate: The Dodge Report

Chapter Five of CAGE AND CLASP!!! the romance/suspense novel I & jake is writing to help weather these rocky waves of the economy.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 12:00:00 AM MST

Cage (that is Jake backwards by the way) was getting real nervous where he was hiding under the floorboards of the rocketship. Simone said she wld come get him but it had been a long time... too long! And it was real quiet... too quiet!

Then he heard a scraping sound below him. He was lying on his back & it came from just under his right sholder. At first he thot it was a rat... a space rat! (I shld probly say that I am the one who put in the dot-dot-dot parts. Jake had not actually wrote those parts but they are the best parts in this chapter, until the end when Simone saves Cage but you have not got to that part yet) Then he thot maybe it was a snake... a space snake! Then he thot it was probly cockroaches... space cockroaches!

But it was not any of those things b/c then he heard someone knocking right near his head & then the floor where he was lying on suddenly gave way & he fell down backwards into the dark, like the floor had just gave way beneath him, which is exactly what happend!

He reached up to grab hold of something to keep from falling b/c he was sure he was being flushed out of the CLASP spaceship, like he was discovered by Dr. Horton, Cage's old nemesis from when he was investigating the Canadian Gun Control Ray up in Nova Scotia & who was obviously the brainiac madman behind CLASP's evil Health Care Ray the Canadians were going to put on Mars. When the floor gave way Cage figured Simone was a quadruple of even a septuple agent & had told Dr. Horton Cage was onboard & Dr. Horton was disposing of him just the way you dispose of space trash!

Cage knew his time on earth was done. He knew this even tho he was not on earth anymore b/c he was in space.

But then he fell backwards & landed on something soft! What was it? It was pillows! And then there was a bright flash of light. A real small one, like a match getting lit. Yes, it was a match! And a candle! And what did he smell? Was that roses? Pumpkin pie? Yes! And who was that in a skimpy space nightgown? Was it Dr. Horton? No! Was it Lt. Lou Tenant? No! Was it Canadas Commisioner of Health Care, the evil Philip Larioux? No!

It was Simone!

She had saved him by hiding him from his nemesises by keeping him hid in the secret compartement between the upstairs hallway floor & her space bedroom!

She said, "Cage, I am glad you are here. Dr. Horton is going to install a Health Care Ray on Mars, and he his going to turn it on every country on Earth! If he is succesful, the Canadian health care system will take over the world!"

Cage grabbed for a feather pillow what floated up above his head b/c they had suddenly entered zero gravity. "I know, Simone. That is why I am here. Only I can stop Dr. Horton."

"Yes, Cage. Only a man as handsome & strong & smart as you can defeat Dr. Horton." She floated close to him. Their eyes locked. Then so did the rest of them & they did all kinds of things you can only do in zero gravity (this is the romantic part. I told Jake that there shld be more here but he said the romantic parts are real hard to write & anyway people have imaginations & if we just say "this is the romantic part" they will know what happens & that way we do not have to write it.)

Then they were floating around the room afterwards (jake also says so long as we put in words like "afterwards" people will what went on) & Cage & Simone were looking out the window when suddenly the zero gravity stopped & they fell onto the floor. Cage looked out the window. Simone pointed at what he was looking at, b/c she saw it too.

It was a asteroid! And it was coming straight at them!

TO BE CONTINUED!

Chapter 4 of the book I & jake is writing: "Cage & CLASP: Simone hides Cage & they have the first of many romantic encounters b/c this is a romance-suspense book so here comes the romance!"

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:00:00 AM MST

We have not got any offers from publishers yet but that is probly b/c they have been busy filing there taxes. We planned it that way of course & that is why I did not type anything up in the last few days & instead cut wood & started to get the garden ready. We are going to grow a lot of beans this year. They are a magic fruit by the way.

CHAPTER FOUR

After Simone lied to her crew mates abt there not being any one else on board the CLASP rocket, Cage (that is jake backwards in case you did not notice) knew she was a double agent! That meant they shared agendas, which they did in a very hurried fashion right there in the rocketship hallway real quiet w/o any of the CLASP crew members hearing which was real hard to do w/ their spacesuits on but they managed to share their agendas w/ each other & it felt real good.

(I am going to stop here to point out that this is the 1st romantic interlood in the book. It was real hard to write)

After that Simone showed Cage where there was a secret panel in the floor that nobody knew abt & she told him to hide down there during blast off & she wld be back as soon as she cld. So Cage went down into this real cramped place & it was a lot like that time he had to hide under his backporch b/c the Canadian authorities were looking for him due to his cunning reconnaisance work up in Prince Edward Island that time he was investigating Canadas secret Gun Control Ray. It was just exactly cramped like that, w/ him lying on his back w/ his nose only inches away from the ceiling, which was really the floor, only it was upside down. Anyway, it was like a real small room & he cld not stand up or anything. He cld hear Simone & the other CLASP astronauts walking above him & he cld hear them laughing & makeing plans for blast off.

And all the while he was trapped!

He started to wonder if maybe Simone was not a DOUBLE agent but a TRIPLE agent! Or maybe even a QUADRUPLE agent!

How cld he leave him trapped down here? He started to get real real claustrophic. Wld this be the end of him? So soon after him & Simone shared agendas?

Wld she ever let him out?

TO BE CONTINUTED!!!

Chapter 3 of the romance-suspense book jake is writing to weather the rocky waves of the economy: "Cage & CLASP: Cage is a stowaway on Canada's top secret rocket to Mars"

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 12:00:00 AM MST

We plan on selling this book for a million dollars tho we will take less if we have to. I am probly more important then jake in this venture b/c I am doing alll the typing.

CHAPTER THREE: Cage gets on the rocket ship

After he karate chopped the security guard Cage dove under the security door just as it slid closed. All those years practicing that manoover in the garage sure did pay off! (I added that sentence b/c sometimes I & Jake will do that. Like this one time Cpt Slow reprogrammed a garage door opener so it cld open any kind of garage door & we had a contest to see who was best at rolling under it just as it closed. Jake is real good at that). Suddenly he found himself a stowaway on Canada's top secret rocket to Mars! (that is also the title of this chapter, by the way)

Cage knew if he got caught he wld get in big trouble and probly go to one of Canada's notorious secret prisons in Nova Scotia. He stood quiet as a mouse in the hallway & listened to the Canadian astronauts going thru those equipment tests all astronauts do before lift off. He heard the gruff voice of his old nemesis Captain Dr. Horton say, "Incremental fuel assistance valve?" & he heard a steady voice reply "Check."

Cage recognized that voice! It was Lou Tenant! Who also was a lietenant, so it was easy to remember his name. Lt. Lou Tenant was another of his old nemesesies! (I think that shld be "nemesi" like it is w/ octopi b/c you do not say octopusses but I am not real sure. I bet when we sell this book to Random House they will know). Then he heard another voice say, "Cpt Dr Horton! The onboard carbon detection unit is carbon detecting some carbon on board! I think we may have a stowaway, eh!"

He knew that voice too! It was Canadas Commisoner or Health Care, Philip Larioux! Cage had seen him on TV talking abt Canadas new health care ray & how if the nations of the world did not immediately pay Canada 10 trillion dollars they wld start blasting countries w/ the ray. But did the nations of the world pony up the money? No! Did they believe Canada actually had a health care ray? No! Everyone said Canada did not have the technology. Everyone said they were bluffing. It was just like Saddam Hussein & his weapons of mass destruction except the EXACT OPPOSITE! And now here was Cage, the only man man enough to stop Canadas dialbolical plan!

But could he? Was he abt to be found out by the onboard carbon detection unit which had detected carbon on board?

And then he heard Simone's voice saying "A stowaway? I'll go check."

Cage looked to his left. He looked to his right. He had nowhere to hide! He heard Simone unfasten (it is strange there is a t in that word) her safety belt. His pulse went boom boom boom. He clenched his jaw. He heard her astronaut boots coming down the hall. He looked for a closet or someplace like that where he cld hide. He tried to lift the door that he had just rolled under. Still her boots kept coming. Then she rounded the corner & saw him.

Their eyes met like 2 lazer beams. "Cage?" she whispered.

A muscle jumped in Cage's handsome jaw. "Simone" he said.

Simones radio skwawked (that does not look right but it does not look right w/ a q either. I bet the enditors at Scribners will take care of it). It was Cpt Dr Horton's voice. "Simone, what do you see?"

She did not take her eyes off him. "Nothing Cpt Dr Horton. There is nobody else on board."

TO BE CONTINUED!

I am helping Jake write a romance/suspence novel to weather this economy by selling it for a million dollars. This is chapter two of "Cage & The CLASP"

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 12:00:00 AM MST

When Cage (that is Jake spelled backwards by the way) looked at Simone w/ those other Canadian astronauts abt to go to Mars as part of the Canadian League of Aerospace Program, or CLASP, his heart went boom like a big drum. She had eyes & legs & arms & everything. Even in her spacesuit she had them! And they were the prettiest arms & legs etc. he had ever seen. Then he remembered when he 1st set eyes on her. It was a long time ago & it brot back sweet memories but they were also bitter.

They were bitter b/c it all happend after Cage left NASA. The official reason he had to leave was for "behavior unbecoming of an astronaut" but Cage knew it was b/c the other astronauts were jealous of what a good astronaut he was. Sure he did some things he probly wld not do again, but it was not like he ever drove across the country in a diaper. (that is true by the way. Jake never did that) The fact was the other astronauts were out to get him. They sabataged his career!

So it was bitter b/c he was not an astronaut anymore & that is why he liked to climb trees (I put that last part in b/c jake climbs a lot of trees).

But it was also sweet b/c one day Cage saw a red balloon stuck in a tree & inside was a message in French that said BONJOUR! MON NOM EST SIMONE! JE SUIS TRÈS BEAU! J'AIME DES ASTRONAUTES! SI UN ASTRONAUTE TROUVE CE BALLON IL SIGNIFIE QUE NOUS AVONS ÉTÉ CENSÉS POUR ÊTRE ENSEMBLE! Cage read that message & spent TWO whole years tracking her down. Finally he found her in Washington DC working undercover as a spy at an anarchist convention & he said, "Simone! I am yr astronaut!"

She said "You are Cage, the great astronaut!! I knew you wld find me!"

After that they made sweet consumations & promised never to part but they did b/c that was when Gen. Mills contacted Cage & ast him to go undercover as a spy, which he did for another 2 years... and in that whole time he never saw Simone again.

Until now, that is!

Cage watched Simone walk up to the rocket & his heart went boom & a question formed in his mind. "What was SIMONE doing w/ the CLASP astronauts?"

And then another question formed! "Did Simone have something to do with the Canadian Health Care Ray that CLASP was going to put on Mars?"

And then another one! "Was Simone a double agent?"

And another! "Was the only reason Simone contacted him that long time ago b/c she knew what a good astronaut he was & she was learning tricks of the trade?"

And then it became clear as a whole bunch of crystals that Cage had to get onto that rocketship!

But then he remembered the promise he gave to Gen. Mills. He would NOT under any circumstance fall in love! And nobody would fall in love with HIM!

Could he keep that promise?

He saw his reflection in a window. It was like a mirror. "Cage," he said to his reflection. "This is a dangerously romantic mission, but you have to do it. You HAVE to get on that rocketship!"

Then he saw his reflection in another window. "But Cage," he said to his other reflection. "Can you risk falling in love?"

Then he looked at the 1st reflection. "Darn it, Cage," it said to him. "In space, no one can hear you fall in love!"

Cage nodded to his first reflection. He apologized to his second reflection. And then he ran to where they kept the spacesuits & overpowered the guard & then he put one of the space suits on. He had to figure out why Simone was on that rocketship! He had to figure out if CLASP was going to use the Health Care Ray!

Cage raced to the place where astronauts go into the rocket. Someone tried to stop him but he karate chopped him. A whole bunch of other people ran after him! The door to the rocket was closing! Could he make it? Would he make it?

TO BE CONTINUED!

This is the 1st chapter of jakes romance novel! Jake does not want me to put notes in it to explain things but I am going to do that anyway.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 12:00:00 AM MST

Jake is writing this romance novel to help weather the economy. I am helping him by typing it.

CHAPTER ONE!

Cage (that is jake backwards by the way), who was staggeringly handsome, stood on the launchpad looking at the rocket abt to get launched on the first Canadian space mission to Mars.

Something did not seem right to Cage, the swooningly gorgeous man-astronaut. Cage was an American astronaut who had come to Canada to scope out CLASP, the Canadian League of Aerospace Programs. It was a topsecret mission, so Cage was disguised as a hockey player. Looking at the rocket abt to launch, Cage smelled something fishy. He squinted w/ his icily handsome blue and brown eyes.

As he squinted at the rocket, he thot abt his mission. Back in the good ol' US of A, he had met w/ General Mills, who thumped his fist on his big wooden desk and said, "Cage, we need to find out why CLASP is so eager to get to Mars! What is CLASP up to? It has to be something, Cage!"

Cage remembered saying to Gen. Mills, "Do you think it has anything to do w/ the giant health care beam they are making up at the North Pole? Are they going to fly that health care beam to Mars & turn it on the good ol' US of A?"

Gen. Mills bit his lip. "That is what we are afraid of, Cage. We cannot let CLASP gets a foothold on Mars and turn that health care beam on the planet! It is up to you to get to the bottom of this, Cage! Nobody else can do it!"

Cage remembered how he nodded to Gen. Mills. He had done reconnaissance (it took me abt 10 tries to spell that right) work up in Canada before, so it made sense for Gen. Mills to pick him. He saluted the general and turned to go.

"One more thing, Cage," said the general.

Cage looked at the general. "What is it, sir?"

The general shook his head. "By God, you are a handsome man, Cage. But for the sake of the future of the country and the insurance industry, when you are on this dangerous and secret mission, DO NOT FALL IN LOVE!"

Cage snapped to attention. "I will do my best, sir."

"There is one other thing too, Cage."

"What is that, sir?"

"DO NOT LET ANYONE ELSE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!"

Cage saluted one last time. "You can count on me, General. Nobody will fall in love with me on this mission."

The general smiled. "I knew I could count on you, Cage."

Back on the launch pad, Cage watched a big truck loading something into the side of the rocket. It had lots of stickers on it that said TOP SECRET... Was it the health care ray?

Then Cage looked at the Canadian astronauts making their way to the rocket. There were four of them & they each waved a big canadian flag. In the front was his nemesis, Dr. Horton. He was followed by two other astronauts, neither of who were anywhere near as handsome as Cage. Behind them came... wait a minute! Was that SIMONE!

Cage's heart fell at the same time as it rose. His mission had just got more difficult!

To BE CONTINUED!

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT OF HOW I AND JAKE WILL WEATHER THIS ECONOMY DOWNTURN: WE ARE WRITING A ROMANCE NOVEL ABT ASTRONAUTS.

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 12:00:00 AM MST

They are not sposed to fall in love when they are in space so it is a forbidden love that not only defies the law it defies gravity. Jake is a disgraced astronaut so he knows all abt it.

You are probly wondering what my role in this is so I will tell you. jake ast me to publish excerpts from his astronaut romance novel & that way it will be like a "cereal novel." That is what he called it so I guess it means it is supposed to be read at breakfast.

You are probly also wondering how writing a romance novel will help us weather the economy downturn so I will tell you that too. How it works is, I will publish the exerpts & when we sell the actual book & movie rights, we will be sitting pretty. Jake thinks it will take abt 6 weeks.

I am too busy today to announce what I & Jake are doing

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:00:00 AM MST

I know I said I wld announce it today but I want to make sure I announce it the right way & that takes time, so this is an annoucement that I will make an announcement real soon. Next time I will announce what I actually am announcing instead of announcing that I will make an announcement, and then going off to do my chores. What I mean is, next time I will have done all my chores & then I will make the actual announcement & not announce the announecment. I know all of that sounds like I am one of those politicians saying I will be saying that I'll be saying I'm running for president. But next time I really will will make the announcment. Honest engine.

TODAY I WILL ANNOUNCE JAKE'S PLAN TO WEATHER THIS ECONOMY DOWNTURN!

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 12:00:00 AM MST

Actually, I am going to announce it tomorrow b/c Dody says it is my turn to bring in the wood, do the shopping, wash dishes, etc etc. I tell you what: it is ALWAYS my turn. All I do is work, work, work.

Anyway, I will announce Jake's plan next time, I promise. I even triple-promise which is better than a double-promise b/c a double-promise cancels itself out. What I mean is, I will announce Jakes plan next time. It really is a doozy of a plan. It is more than a plan, actually. It is a actual THING.

Jake told me what he is making & how I can help!

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 12:00:00 AM MST

For some time jake has been sitting on his porch & then he goes inside for a while & then he comes back out and sits some more. He says he is making something but he has not told me what it is... until today!

But it is still a secret so I cannot tell anyone what it is yet. Altho I did tell Dody, & she said, "That's nice, Frank" so she obviously thinks it is a real good idea.

Anyway, soon everyone will find out what I & jake is doing & the money will come pouring in. That is what he says, anyway. I am not so sure abt that but Jake always has good ideas & this one is a real doozy.

It is a shame I cannot say what it is yet. I sure wld like to. But I told him I wld not tell anyone, not even dody & I am good to my word, except that I already did tell Dody.

It is real hard keeping it a secret but that is what I have to do. I do not have a choice. I will tell you what tho: if I CLD tell you what it is, you wld say, "That is a real interesting idea & I never wld of thot of that." But ofcourse I cannot tell you what it is, so you can not actually say that.

Why I have gone missing is b/c I have been picking up trash on the highway.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 12:00:00 AM MST

It is part of Cpt Slows community service for running an illegal saloon called Drunken Donuts. I wld not of helped him but if he had to pick up all that trash all by himself it wld of took him forever. It takes him abt 10 minutes to pick up one paper cup off the side of the road. So what I did was, I walked alongside him & did most of the picking up myself w/ a stick I put a nail into. Cpt Slow mostly held the garbage bag. You wld think that w/ me picking up the trash it wld not take long to clean five miles of highway but you have to remember that I cld not go any faster than cpt slow can walk. WHich is real slow, in case you had not of guessed.

Anyway, we are done now & the road is real clean & just as soon as jake tells me what his big plan is to make money to weather this downturn in the economy, I will tell you.