Perfectionism, Reality (& Self-Esteem)
posted by Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser
While surely I am stoppable—I have four stories to write plus blog ahead this week, one school starting, little childcare, a couple of greet-families-for-school events and more—I seem unable to help myself; I must keep plugging away with the end of summer beat-back-astounding-clutter project, despite all the other stuff demanding my attentions.
I photographed a spot I want to change, my back hallway. To employ unused hooks for the bags we bring to the co-op, grocery stores, and farmers’ market (and farm share bag, too) seemed like a great idea, except… well, we have so many bags, too many for the space. Recently, I put a pile of the overflow onto a shelf near the hooks. That’s a start.
These are the kinds of problems that I now feel determined to overcome. However, I don’t want to have to think about it a lot. And I don’t want to throw money at it, particularly. I just want to put systems in place that work for us.
I guess the underlying tension (and hope) is this: if I can reform my messy ways even a bit, I can figure out how to make that change rub off on the rest of the family and we can live in less-cluttered-and-more-peaceable harmony.
A friend pointed out that Phyllis Diller said cleaning the house while the children still live at home is like shoveling the walk before it's stopped snowing.
So, we shall see. Best-case scenario: we prove Phyllis Diller wrong.
**
What does this attempt at extricating myself from the jumble of stuff that’s overtaken have to do with anything? I just noticed that Seal Press has a book forthcoming—Pretty Neat: The Buttoned-Up Way to Get Organized and Let Go of Perfection, written by Alicia Rockmore and Sarah Welch—that casts a feminist eye on what the authors have dubbed “org porn” (as in design blogs and stores peddling an uncluttered lifestyle that’s really not unfettered). Since I have become a feminist, design blog junkie, I must read this book. I have a feeling it’ll speak to me, possibly directly.
Why me? Well, I do feel as if I’ve allowed myself to think that being organized is one measure of being successful. There are others I would also like to object to: that being a certain weight equals success or being published in a certain journal (or book or books) equals success or possessing certain things or that my kids’ achievements in any way reflect upon me and my success as a parent (on that point, actually, I’m pretty clear; to some overwhelmingly large extent, my kids’ strengths and challenges have not all that much to do with me—or at least with my doing).
I’ll tell you what (she writes, channeling one of her current heroes, Coach Eric Taylor), while I know that those things really aren’t barometers of “success,” I’m still totally vulnerable to believing them so. That book I’ve yet to see hits upon a critical point: perfection. Strike the concept from the vocabulary immediately!
As I start to ponder this all more seriously, I really must read my friend Jennifer Niesslein’s book—Practically Perfect in Every Way—which came out when I was otherwise exceedingly preoccupied, because from what I know, her book casts a critical—and personal—eye upon this subject.
At the very same time I am puzzling over stuff: how much too much of it we have, whether I want it, whether I want other stuff, why I might care about stuff, how I’m going to organize it, get rid of it, divest from clutter and all else, in a culture that takes more than its fair share. I believe there’s an acceptable (to me) place in my life to enjoy design, aesthetics, and both cute and beautiful things, as well as being able to embrace both order and chaos. Because here’s the thing; I do, I just do, enjoy looking at and owning tea towels I find pleasing.
I can’t quite say yet how these concerns and questions will be addressed in my life. I think somehow, though, I’m going to feel freer to explore them, in various ways, including, I hope feeling less worried about measuring up. Maybe, too, soon enough I’ll be gazing at an ever more organized (read, calm, read, comfortable-to-live-in) space.
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, I so relate. Is it the angle of the sun changing in the sky that makes us start hunkering down and cleaning out and preparing for digging in for the long haul?? I am doing the same at my four story, chaotic, overstuffed house. Love the teatowels. Ahhhh, such civility in the midst of craziness. Makes me want to boil some water for a cup of tea and put up my weary legs after...a long run. I guess really I have to get back to organizing. My times up!! Hugs
Ruthie Rohde
Sarah, I'm going with a concept (link) you once posted on facebook called 'organized chaos', though I did start to try to wash my house this week -getting all the smudgy fingerprints off the doorways and cabinets, dusting the edges of shelves...(this is abnormal behavior for me)
But regarding 'perfection': when I was in 5th grade I got called a perfectionist a lot and I took it as a compliment. It meant that I tried really hard to do my best and make things exactly the way I wanted them. Then this past year while visiting my grandmother, I made some suggestion and she said that she couldn't try that because she was a perfectionist. I hadn't heard that word in years and it struck me that it was the biggest copt-out word ever. (describing someone more like 'anal' or 'ocd', than 'perfect') Now it meant that if it wasn't going to be good enough, you shouldn't even try. I've realized that I let go of that idea a long time ago- it's not about perfection, it's about trying to do things the way you think would be best for you.
Sarah, I'm liking your take on perfectionist as in try what's best for you. I'm gonna chew on that! Becky, I'm glad to think I'm so NOT alone. And Ruthie, we shall have to get together, talk writing/kids/chaos & bring one another tea towels, because, you know, we can!
Totally on board with your post, Sarah. Just finished reading "Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things" by Randy Frost and Gail Steketee (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2010) . Coming from a family of pack rats, I find it hard to let go of stuff but the alternative is too awful to contemplate (literally expiring under mountains of possessions). I carry bags to the thrift store at least once a month - and one day i will tackle that stroage unit I have been paying for for ten years (What is in there already??)
Your storage unit probably = our basement & barns (although both basement & barns have the scary addition of other people's junk besides ours!). I must read the book... thank you.
I have that exact same set of hooks and bags! And my current idea is to simply put it behind a door. If this was in a closet, it wouldn't offend my sensibilities every time I walked by. And since we are living lives as MRBLs (multiple recyclable bag ladies) we may as well surrender to the need to be OMRBs (ORGANIZED etc)
Redd
Ah, but maybe I should show you one such "closet" at my house for another post... before. Then, let's hope, after!
If there is anything more satisfying (that you can do with your clothes on) than clutter busting, I simply do not know it.
pretty darn satisfying. if totally overwhelming (at least at my house!).
Sarah: what about storing the bags in your car(s)? That's what many people do so that they are ready to go again when you need them, where you need them.
Jennifer, some could go there but there are so many & they often get used on foot.
Sarah - am enjoying the clutter-busting updates - huge kudos for taking it on! Just a thought about all of those bags (that we get to 'reduce' our use of plastic but tend to result a jumble of bags that don't all get used)...have everyone in the house pick their 3 or 4 favorite/most useful bags (so 18-24 bags total) and get rid of/donate the others. My favorite grocery store here gives you a cloth bag every time you spend $50 and I've actually started refusing to take them (at least until the ones I have wear out)...kinda falls under that "too much of a good thing isn't always a good thing"...
I found hiring a clutter consultant once quite helpful. She brought in boxes with labels on them: throw away, give away, put away (no home yet), put away (has a home already) and had me go through various cluttered areas filling the boxes until the clutter was gone. Then we put away the stuff that already had a home, and found or created homes for things that didn't have a home yet. Throw away was a snap, and give away, I have found, was effectively taken care of by putting things in a sturdy box with a "FREE" sign on them by our curb. People will take almost anything, especially this time of year. Freecycle also works but is time consuming and can be frustraing/annoying due to no-shows, window-shoppers and other time-wasters. You don't sound like you have time for that!
Yes, free organizing books from the library told me to do this, but I needed someone to help me GET IT DONE. Money well spent, and not a lot either. I recommend Heidi Robinson (she runs that household consignment tag sale at the Florence Cmmty Center 2X/year and her own house is a model of organization, yet not at all sterile or "perfectionist!".
Good luck!
I know (& like) Heidi so much. That idea is in my back pocket.
Note on the current post I've ditched a bunch a bunch of bags, a great suggestion. No law that you must keep them all, huh?
Actually I didn't use Heidi as this was years ago, but she seems like she would do just as good a job as the person I did use. It's about having someone reasonable FORCE you (in a pleasant way) to do what you could do yourself, but won't or can't.
Now, who can help me with organizing the bags that are for the Farmer's Market (dirt inside) and the ones that are for the supermarket (clean)? I hate opening up the bag at River Valley and realizing it was last used to transport dirty potatoes, etc. I guess I need to get out the Sharpies and start marking.
Designating bags that welcome dirt sounds just about right!
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This piece does speak to me, Sarah, and to every other 21st century parent I know, who live with mounds of clutter and disorder. I love the quote from Phyllis Diller! Thanks for making me smile!