The Dodge Report
UPDATED RESULTS! of the lightning bug catching contest b/c Boom Simmons used a performance enhancing lightning bug catching jar!
We had said Boom was like Barry Bonds, and we sure were right only last week we meant it b/c he was such a better lighnting bug catcher than all of the rest of us and not b/c he was a CHEATER but facts are facts and after an exhausting investigation that has occupied i and jake for the better part of a week we have determined w/o a dought that boom had caught all those lightning bugs BEFORE the contest and buried them where only he knew where they were and then when the time was right he swapped jars and put his empty jar in the hole and took up the full jar of lightning bugs he had previously stashed and we have the empty jar to prove it and also a barroom confession once we cornered Boom down at sportys w/ the jar and he came clean as a bleached whistle.
i apologize for the lenth of the previous sentence but i had to get all the facts out where you cld see them clearly.
So we have stripped Boom of his title and tooken away Heather Mills leg which we had given to him as first place champion. We have also called the guiness book of records to let them know in case they were planning on putting boom in that book of theirs. I think jake said it best when he said on the guinness peoples answering machine that we were not just eating crow, we were eating raven, which is a much bigger bird than a crow.
This scandal has shook us up, i will tell you that. it has made i and jake think long and hard abt how to monitor contests and we have mulled and pondered plenty of changes is what we have been doing. ultimately we have decided that we will not be changing anything but we have got hair on our eyes for cheaters, that is for sure.
Here are the new results:
1. Pete Turkowski Jr. 76
(altho we did not give him Heather Mills leg b/c jake doesnt want to part w/ it and he says it jinxed the whole contest and we shldnt give it away like that again)
2. Jake 74
3. Dody 70
4. Lumb Decker, 61
5. Oola, Cpt. Slow's email fiance from Estonia, 59
6. Travis, 47
7. Me (Frank Dodge), 46
8. Pete Turkowski Sr 40
9. Big Tiny 32
10. Molly Hooks 23
11. Pierre Cohen 21
12. Cpt Slow 2
Joe Duffy was official timekeeper and scorekeeper
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