From the famous pink ribbon symbol to pink cleats on Monday night football (awww!), October has promoted the health and happiness of tatas everywhere with my all-time favorite color for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Here’s to the survivors, the fighters, the lovers and of course, the wonderful, wobbly, womanly sacks of fat we like to call boobies, jugs, melons and 138 other horrendous slang names the Internet coughed up for me.
1. Breast size isn’t actually determined by your sexual maturity, “womanliness,” hotness factor or even the price tag on your bra, but is rather just how the cards fall in terms of your fatty, mammary and fibrous tissues in combination with the composition of your pectoral muscles and your current hormonal balance of estrogen, progesterone and prolactin. Sure, genetics play a part, but that doesn’t mean that your lovely ladies will match those of your mom or sister—which begrudgingly explains why one of my bras is simply a tiny minnow swimming in the oceanic cups of my female family members’ undergarments.
2. There is actually no legitimate research to confirm the old, saggy-breasted wives’ tale that wearing a bra either is either good or bad for the long-term shape and gravity-defying powers of your little women. However, 90 percent of American women regularly wear bras, mostly because of social norm breastiquette and fashion.
3. There are some amazingly underrated ways to gussy up the girls for a night on the town, like Mimi Rhinestone Pasties, Nippies Sticker Pasties that come in a Lucky Charms-inspired array of shapes and colors, and Gothfox Pasties that are couture enough for the queen (sheboptheshop.com). Nipple clamps come adorned with chains, bells and jewels. They even vibrate. And of course, the aureola always make perfect mini-platters for any kind of lickable dessert you can imagine.
4. Though many think it’s the squeeze of nipple clamps that make the wearer squirm, the strongest sensation actually occurs when you release the clamps’ pressure, because all of the blood rushes back into the sensory-deprived naughty nubbin, causing anything from titillating tingling to pleasurable pain.
5. The Rocky Mountains’ Teton mountain range is named after the French word for “breast,” keeping it abreast with the world’s many other mountainous landscapes that honor humanity’s favorite fertility symbol, like Scotland’s Maiden Paps and Mount Elgon on the Uganda-Kenya border.
6. It’s perfectly legal to strut your stuff topless in Hawaii, Texas, Ohio, New York and Maine. However, those pesky “public nuisance” laws could still get both the cuffs and cups slapped on you. So just make sure to let the dogs out when doing under-the-radar activities like shopping or jogging instead of running through the streets hammered and screaming the lyrics to “A Natural Woman”.
7. Five topless-friendly states just aren’t enough for your knockers? GoTopless.org fights for your right to bare all with frequent public, shirt-free gatherings.
8. Ten to 20 percent of women have flat and/or inverted nipples.
9. The average weight of each breast ranges between 1.1 and 2.2 pounds. Curiosity killed my ego when I couldn’t manage to find enough volume in my boob to even get it to touch the scale without simply hugging it flat against my chest like a stack of books. Fail.
10. 90 percent of women have asymmetrical air bags, whether perceptible or not. Of the 5-10 percent of women with drastic dumpling differences, 62 percent report the left breast as being bigger because of the larger number of tissue, arteries and veins that surround the heart.
11. Smoking cigarettes breaks down the body’s elastin, which means that you will not only have nasty tar-filled lungs, you’ll have lower-swinging sweet chariots to boot.
12. A survey done by bra-making company Triumph reports that Brits have the biggest boobs in Europe, with over half the population wearing a D cup. Italy’s got the tiniest tatas, with 68 percent wearing a B cup; the United States weighs in at a vague average of 34B-36C.
And, of course, giving yourself a breast exam at home is easy, preventative and smart. Get directions from The Feminist Women’s Health Center (fwhc.org/health/self-breast-exam.htm).•
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