How to Watch Porn

Thursday, June 14, 2012

I often wax woefully philosophical in these columns about porn—mainly about how we (particularly women) have been culturally conditioned to think that watching porn is inherently wrong, desperate or weird, and that pornographic films are intrinsically degrading, fake, bigoted and gross. This is probably because most mainstream porns are, but I continue to beg you, baby, please—just give porn a chance!

I've done lots of listing of hot, female-friendly porn that I think may change your view of X-rated flicks in columns like "Feminist Porn"(May 5, 2011), but I realize that I've never actually told you what to do with them.

What do you mean, what to do with them? You go to the naughty store, you pick out the naughty film, you put it in your naughty DVD player and you press the naughty play button. Sure, unless you're my mother, you can probably work a DVD player. So you "technically" know how to watch a porn. But a porno isn't a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. There's a wrong way to watch it.

Getting off to porn is like any other sex act—how good it feels depends on your company, props, technique, mental state, physical comfort and environment. So if you've heeded my advice and picked up a feminist porn starring James Deen or Sasha Grey (or, even better, both) and then gone home, stuck it in (the DVD player), hit play and hammered out a few lame, obligatory orgasms and then you were like, "That Yana girl is dumb. This porn failed to rock my sexy socks," it's not my fault. It's because you were doing it wrong! Here's how to do it right.

Get comfortable. Just because you're watching a XXX-er doesn't mean you shouldn't be choosy about when, where and how you're going to get off. I hate watching porn with other people, especially my wife. What happens between me and James Deen is sacred. (Kidding.) In reality, I just prefer to roll the X-rated tape solo. I like to get in bed, clothes still on (but no socks, never socks), in the middle of the day. I only watch porn on my laptop and with headphones in, volume cranked to a ridiculous, moaning blare. My adorable dog must be absolutely nowhere in sight. You get the idea —I know how I like it, and that's the way I'll do it. And so should you.

Consider what DVD player you'd like to use and where it is. Ejecting Dora the Explorer from the living room DVD player to watch Rough Sex 3 might set an uncomfortable tone. Squirming around on the new love seat, worrying about getting... stuff... on the upholstery might hinder your orgasmic release. Like setting up shop for any other kind of operation, successfully conducting dirty business is all about location.

Ready the troops. Before you hit play, make sure you've got lube, toys and other scandalous accoutrement close, clean and charged. You may think a porn flick only requires a couple of spitty digits, but it's amazing what a little extra slide and batteries can do for your porn.

Keep your finger on the trigger. Well, yes, that one but also the fast-forward button. It's rare that an entire two-hour porn will do it for you. Preview DVD chapters before committing to one and don't worry about watching chronologically... you won't lose the storyline. Most porns offer a variety of couplings and/or sex acts.

Does oral sex tickle your fancy? Anal? Doggie style? Skip around, rewind and repeat your favorite parts or change the DVD entirely. This is about turning you on, so if it doesn't, turn it off. Same goes for sound effects. Clearly, I'm an aural girl. Some porn features music, others highlight slaps and moans. If you like it, turn it up. If not, turn it off.

Don't forget foreplay! Give a scene and yourself time to warm up before pulling the plug on the show or yourself. And when you've finally hit your stride and had your fill, don't forget to relax a little afterward. Do like me and indulge in a post-climactic peanut butter cup—because there's no wrong way to eat one of those.

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