Orgy Etiquette Part 2: Hosting

Thursday, December 08, 2011

There are two ways to host an orgy. One is to prime the scene for the "oopsie orgy," an "unplanned," tipsy night with a handful of curious friends who all happen to trip and fall into your bed after a series of suggestive suggestions... made by you, of course. "It was just one of those crazy drunken nights," they'll say. But we'll all know your conniving secret, you persuasive little perv.

The other is to just come out and say it—in calligraphy print, on nice paper invitations—"I'm having an orgy! And you're invited!" As with any social gathering masterfully planned by a gracious and giving host(ess), there is etiquette to be followed. As we learned in last week's V-Spot, "a mal-hosted orgy of strangers can quickly dissolve into a hotbed of STIs, failed orgasms, over-drugged wastedness and general unsexiness." Let's avoid that, shall we?

Crucial to your success is a carefully finessed guest list. Putting some balloons on your mailbox that say "Orgy Here!" will definitely make your night interesting, but won't make for great group sex. Be intentional with your invitations, sticking to people you personally know (or have at least met).

Make sure your orgy virgin-to-pro ratio is at least 1:3. Having a bunch of nervous nellies naked in your living room won't get anyone off. Invite single friends or open couples who are comfortable with their sexuality and ballsy enough to make the first move. Be sure to invite that one charismatic orgy veteran you know will be first to drop trou.

Whether printed on recycled paper or sent through Facebook, your invitation should clearly state what kind of sex to expect (BDSM, anal, lesbian-only?) and any house rules you might have, such as no video cameras, no hard drugs or BYO sex toys.

Post a list of the house rules at the event site and always make consent and safer sex mandatory. Then make sure to either be sober enough, or elect a designated friend, to enforce such rules.

Keep your guests comfortable while assuming all surfaces will get drenched in either bodily fluids or lube. If hosting at your place, ask guests to BYO blankets, sheets or even mattresses. If reserving a handful of adjoining hotel suites, keep it above Motel 6 quality and your intentions discreet, as an obvious orgy could lead to some unwelcome party crashers. Tip the cleaning crew.

Make sure guests show up relatively sober, and provide low-alcohol content drinks. Though many will require a little liquid courage to dive into the orgy ocean, avoid rows of tequila shots as hammered sex is never good, especially in large numbers. Keep everyone's energy up with light, sensual snacks like chocolate and fruit. Avoid messy, heavy foods and remember that though play parties were made popular in the '60s, it is 2011 and fondue should be avoided at all costs.

Stock up on necessary orgy supplies like a variety of condoms, gloves and dental dams in both latex and non-latex, which could be readily available in candy dishes around the house or stuffed into a pinata! Set up a lube bar with bottles of latex-compatible, glycerin- and paraben-free favorites like Yes water-based, Hathor Aphrodisia and, but(t) of course, Sassy Booty Formula.

Have a box of clean, non-porous sex toys for guests to rifle through, along with available cleaning stations for partner switches. Keep some tasteful, artsy porn like those directed by Andrew Blake projected onto a wall or hire a friend to play porn-DJ. While background music like Portishead or Massive Attack could set a sexy mood, nothing will kill a train faster than playlists involving The Beatles or Spice Girls. Other things to avoid include patchouli incense, air conditioning and sleepy substances like weed.

Finally, remember that while any good host(ess) makes his guests' enjoyment his number one priority, you don't have to be the only one giving out the party favors. After all, it's your party and you can cry out if you want to.

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