As the great pre-rehab, pre-celesbian Lindsay Lohan once recited in my favorite guilty pleasure movie: "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."
If you happened to be lucky enough to catch me at my restaurant of employment last Halloween, you would have had the awkward pleasure of being served fine, locally sourced food from a sex columnist clad in not much more than a pair of glittery hot-shorts and a purple wig (my excuse was "superhero"). If you, like me, really abuse Halloween's get-out-of-slutty-jail free card and prefer to spend the holiday over-sugared and underdressed, I've got two costume suggestions for you—pirate or vampire. Here's why.
Though I hear werewolves are the new vampires in terms of what will be hitting the 'tween book shelves and movie screens this year, bloodsuckers rule supreme when it comes to the adult market. First, it's essential to hit up Newbury Comics for one of their many customizable vampire fang sets. Durable enough to withstand some sexy neck nibbles but not too sharp to suck something besides one's blood, these temporary teeth are the sexiest part of a vampire costume and are sure to have your pretty prey begging to be turned.
Really treat your trick with the Vamp Silicone Dildo (goodvibes.com), made from a pale, shimmering silicone a la Edward Cullen's skin in the sunlight, with a textured shaft that gently reminds that the best love bites. Pair the Vamp Dildo or your own flesh-and-blood little monster with the Fang Banger Cock Ring (goodvibes.com), a stretchy, beginner-friendly ring sporting two "fang"-textured vibrators positioned to blissfully buzz both partners during penetrative sex. Get your mind in the ghoulish gutter with Cleis Press's newly released Girls Who Bite, a sinisterly sexy collection of lesbian vampire shorts that will warm up even the coldest of the undead. The Succu Dry Fleshlight (goodvibes.com), a spooky version of the famous male masturbation sleeve, features fang-like internal textures that will make for a very happy Halloweenie indeed.
If you'd rather ride the rough waves than get nailed in a coffin, snatch some treasure from the porn-producing pirates of Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com). Mainstream adult performer Jesse Jane and a wide cast of dirty damsels-in-undress bury all kinds of treasure in the award-winning films Pirates and Pirates 2, which both feature a light-hearted adventure storyline and a heavy rotation of raunchy romping. Wildly popular, Digital Playground set sail an entire line of Pirates-inspired toys like the Pirates Pendant Vibe, a naughty necklace that will trick and treat and a set of bejeweled vibrators that come cutely packaged in treasure chests.
Get extra nautically naughty with Gothfox's couture, hand-sewn nipple pasties like their red and black heart-shaped nipple tassels with a matching, piratesque eye-patch. Well constructed with the sexiest advertising photography ever, they will inspire you to construct a costume that serves as an excuse to wear these tasty bits of carnal candy that come in all kinds of beautiful designs like peacock feathers, zebra stripes and punk-rock spiked studs (gothfox.com).
So whether you like sucking blood or capturing booty, getting Sookied or jacking Sparrows, everyone's going to be getting a little extra sugar this Halloween. Happy treating, tricks!