Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad Vibrator?

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Once upon a time, in a big bed far away, there was a princess who wanted to use a sex toy with her partner. But when she broached the subject, all her partners feared that they would be replaced by a sex toy!

The first little partner said, "If you want me to fuck you with a strap-on, my lady-parts must not be good enough for you. You wish I were a man! If you want penis so bad, go get a 'real' one!"

The princess understood that this was a common fear in lesbian relationships—that the desire for a dildo meant a desire for a penis. However, even though the princess happened to be attracted to all royal genders, she truly desired her partner and wanted to experience strap-on sex with her.

"Though some women use strap-ons for gender-play," the princess explained, "I know that's not your thing. I just want to experiment with the variety of sensations a dildo can offer that differ from what your hands or tongue can do."

"Well," thought the partner, "strapping on a dildo would allow for more face-to-face time, kissing and hot pelvic thrusting, and would leave my hands free to roam!" So they read past V-Spot articles about how to choose a dildo. They found a dildo and harness, strapped it on and then thrust and bucked and orgasmed so hard they blew the house down!

With the second little partner, the princess wanted to use a vibrator. "But my penis is the kingdom's finest!" he scoffed.

"However lovely your dick is dear," she responded, "it doesn't vibrate, rotate, or bring me to orgasm if held against my clit. And I read in Pathways to Pleasure by Robert W. Birch that only 35 percent of women orgasm from penile-vaginal penetrative sex alone. The rest need direct clitoral stimulation to come."

"Exactly!" he guffawed. "I'm not enough for you!"

"Baby," she cooed, "this isn't about replacement, it's about variety. And just as your dick doesn't vibrate, my vibrator isn't attached to the man I love, won't spoon me after, and is a lousy conversationalist. It'll never be you!" The second partner saw her point and got hot thinking about getting the princess off in a new way. So they bought a vibrating cockring, a great introduction to couple's vibrator play because they could use it together during penetrative sex. And they banged, and buzzed and orgasmed so hard they blew the house down!

The third little partner commanded that the princess only use her sex toys with him.

"Your masturbating with toys makes me feel excluded and inadequate!" he cried.

"Honey, please!" said the princess. "Masturbation actually helps women orgasm more regularly and strongly. Self-exploration will help me understand better how I come, how I want to be touched, and, in the case of a new toy, how I like to use it. Plus, you know how shy I am about giving sexual direction!"

"Well," the third partner said, "I guess this would help me learn how to please you better . But, are you sure this is normal?"

"Of course!" replied the well-read princess, "In 2009, The Journal of Sexual Medicine published an Indiana University study that found that 53 percent of women and half of men have used a vibrator. Furthermore, 81 percent of those women and 91 percent of those men did so with a partner!" Feeling validated by academia, the third partner bought the princess a new vibrator. And she masturbated, and they vibrated and orgasmed so hard they blew the house down!

So the princess's three little partners conquered their fears of being replaced by sex toys. And though they didn't use them all the time, everyone's desires were met and their insecurities were disbanded, so they continued to come so hard they always blew the house down!

Taking a page from their sexual book, the princess and her partners used some power tools to build the newest house, and though they continued to come harder than ever, the house never blew down again and they all lived orgasmically ever after. The End.

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