Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide
Rock ‘n’ Roll High School
It’s a literal blast when The Ramones show up
The holidays are over and the kids are back in school, though it’s my guess that no one ever attended a school quite like Vince Lombardi High, aka “Rock ’n’ Roll High School,” the brainchild of B-movie master Roger Corman.
Corman has said he initially wanted to make a picture about a school that is taken over by disco-loving students (this was back in 1979, after all). But his saner assistant, Allan Arksuh, thought rock ’n’ roll would be a better sell than disco (he prevailed), and heavy rocker Todd Rundgren was slated to star. That part of Corman’s plan also fell through (thank the gods); instead, The Ramones were brought onboard. The result is a literal blast.
Here’s how it all goes down. Boring hunk Tom (Vincent Van Patton) wants to spice up his non-existent love life by going out with the rebellious Riff Randal (P.J. Soles), who tosses off lines like this one: “I haven’t opened my math book yet because I’m waiting for the right equation.” Riff only has eyes for The Ramones, but, turns out her nerdy friend Kate (Dey Young) has the hots for Tom. (Don’t worry, this is not another Hallmark film. Riff likes to smoke pot and dance around in her leotard. Watch for the scene in which she leads the girls’ gym class in calisthenics. I promise you won’t see that on Lifetime.) Tom seeks advice from the self-proclaimed love guru Eaglebauer (Clint Howard). Eaglebauer may look like a buck-toothed doughboy, but he knows the score. He helps Tom master the art of removing a girl’s bra, showing how to conquer everything from the basic hook, all the way up to the (gasp!) dread double latch. Tom still flounders.
Meanwhile, the school is ruled by the tyrannical principal Miss Togar (Mary Woronov) who despises rock ’n’ roll. As an experiment, she subjects a mouse to different kinds of music. Kansas and Jethro Tull make the creature shake, while (incredibly) Debby Boone and Donny and Marie produce no ill effects. When The Ramones are played, however, the mouse explodes in a puff of white fur.
The Ramones themselves finally make the scene when they give a concert that is attended by Riff and company. To accommodate those who may not know every Ramones song by heart, lyrics are flashed across the screen. You can gleefully chant along to “Teenage Lobotomy” (“DDT did a job on me, now I am a real sickie”), but when the song “Pinhead” comes on, the only word that appears on screen is “D M U B” (no, that’s not a typo).
Principal Togar pops her cork and tries to burn a pile of rock records, so the students — with The Ramones in tow — take over the school and rename it Rock ’n’ Roll High. When the fun-loving kids tie up the lunch ladies and pelt them with slop, the cops are called in, leading to what the local TV newscaster calls “a classic confrontation between mindless authority and the rebellious nature of youth.” The ending, in which the classmates blow up the school, drew some concern from parents when the movie was released. It’s all cool, though, since the conscientious kids make sure everyone is evacuated before pressing the plunger.
Sadly, all The Ramones have passed on. Who could star in a remake? Bobby Brown would be arrested in the first reel, and Adele would put everyone to sleep. I’ll just stick with the original sound track, especially “Teenage Lobotomy” (“Guess I’ll have to tell ’em, that I’ve got no cerebellum”). Taylor Swift, eat your heart out.•
