I recently started reading your sex column, and it’s really great! There are sooooo many questions I had floating around in my mind about sex, because they don’t really talk about lesbians that much (ahem, at all) in sex ed.
My problem is this: I recently started dating a girl who is sexually active and when the time comes to do The Do I have no idea how to make things enjoyable for her. I have my own vagina as a reference point, but everyone’s bodies are different so I don’t know if she’ll respond to similar things as I do.
I would just let her to take the lead, but I think she expects me to know what I’m doing because I tend to align more with the butch category. Do you have any tips on just getting it on with a girl in general? Like, what are some things partners in the past have responded well to? I dunno. Pretty much any advice on the subject would be appreciated.
Welcome to the fold(s)! Yep, traditional sex education does diddly squat in providing LGBTQ-inclusive information. But let’s be honest — most government-funded sex education programs aren’t doing a great job with the penis-in-vagina sex ed either. In fact, the Public Religion Research Institute found in a 2015 survey that four in 10 millennials reported that high school sex ed classes weren’t helpful to them in making decisions about sex and relationships at all. Throw in homophobia and limited views as to what kinds of sex “count,” and us LGBTQ folks are screwed when it comes to learning how to screw.
Luckily, you’ve got me, the Internet, and a thriving LGBTQ community to learn from. You’re right, while your own vagina is a great basic anatomical reference, all vaginas respond differently to stimulation; so you can’t make many assumptions. This is intimidating, but the good news is that this is true for everyone with all kinds of anatomy and sexual identities — everyone responds differently to sexual stimulation so in reality, nobody has any idea what they’re doing when they sleep with a new person.
You ask me what my partners have responded to positively in the past and I’ll be honest: My partners have responded well to my being open to feedback and learning about their bodies, my asking questions about what they like and want, and by practicing active consent. They haven’t all always responded to fancy cunnilingus tricks or my impressive sex toy collection, but everyone responds well to being respected as a multifaceted sexual individual.
Though not butch myself, I’ve been involved with enough butch-identified women to have seen the pressure masculine people feel to know their sexual shit. How we act in bed is heavily tied to our identities — whether male, female, butch, femme, queer, straight or otherwise.
I want to assure you that you can still be a “good butch” — a fantastic butch! — and have questions about where to go next in the sack. You can still identify as butch and not take the dominate sexual lead. If you do want to drive the sex bus, you don’t have to do so without stopping to ask for directions.
The best dominants are those who make sure their partners needs are being taken care of — physically and emotionally — which is best done by asking them questions. One might be: Does your femmier partner want to take the lead? She might. The best thing about being underrepresented in sex ed class, LL, is that we have no sexual standards to live up to. Meaning, we can create new sex roles and ways of pleasuring each other that work specifically for us and our partners. Take this blank slate as an opportunity to seek out quality lesbian sex education together, experiment with what it means to be butch and femme in bed, and learn new ways of having sex that don’t fit into the straight penis-in-vagina box.
Start with my favorite sapphic sex book Girl Sex 101, by Allison Moon and KD Diamond. For LGBTQ safer-sex info that was glossed over in gym class, see Scarleteen.com.•
