Married and Cunnilingusless
Hope you’re well! I’m spending another night on the road in scenic Western Mass. at a local sports bar reading your column regarding multiple orgasms. I felt right at home until I realized that you meant in one session,not a calendar year.
I’m married, for 20-plus years, in a fairly sexless marriage. I understand that sex drives differ, but there’s a huge difference between 2-3 times a week and twice a quarter. Variation in the bedroom? I wish. Usually on bottom, no foreplay, a quick finish (her, not me), and a tap on the shoulder to ask if I’m done.
Oral? On very rare occasion, and always reluctantly, with the same statement—“Don’t finish in my ….” I love giving oral, but get pushed away so often I’ve just about given up. And I’m good! Thoughts? What can I do?
I’m sure you’re a perfectly lovely human, so how do I put this kindly? This question makes you sound like a bit of an asshole. Something about your retelling of your sexless marriage situation just rubs me the wrong way (punny but true).
The first fishy situation is that in complaining about this lack of variation, you say that your wife often finds herself underneath you during sex, foreplay-less but also having quick orgasms. As over 70 percent of women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation (usually achieved via foreplay) and woman-on-bottom is the least effective position for penis-induced, internal G-Spot stimulation/orgasm, I’m going to call these “quick finishes” out as bluffs. Yes, as in faking it.
Now, before you get your man-panties in a twist about this apparent sexual deception, let’s stop and take a moment to think about why she might be faking a quick orgasm and then tapping you on the shoulder to ask, like a kid in a minivan headed to the beach, “Are we there yet?” Anyone who is enjoying themselves during sex certainly won’t be rushing through the experience, lying about their satisfaction and pestering you to be done.
What with your “night on the road” ending in a sports bar and your “twice a quarter” talk, I take you for a business man, Cunnilingusless. So you must know that customer satisfaction is the key to making your (dirty) business successful. Then why, I must ask, is so much of this question about you, what you want, and what you’re not getting?
You deftly deflect responsibility with phrases like “sex drive” and a whining plea that you’re “good at” giving oral sex. I hate to break these things to you, dear reader, but first, I have an inkling that this has nothing to do with drive.
Second, considering yourself to be generally “good” at something sexual doesn’t mean diddly-squat if your current sexual partner obviously isn’t enjoying it.
Third, allowing your wife to “perform” anything sexual on you “reluctantly” is just icky, and fourth, I wouldn’t want to be swallowing your frustrated man-seed either.
So what can you do, Cunnilingusless? Frankly—stop thinking with your dick, your ego and your dick’s ego. And start thinking with your heart. This is your wife of 20 years, and yet the language you use here is self-centered and divisive.
Reading these questions gives me almost zero indication of what she needs or wants. You’re pitting each other against one another when really, your sex life should be about what works best for both of you.
Please, please talk to your wife. Ask her what she wants. Ask her how she feels. And—perhaps the hardest part—listen to what she has to say.
I can only hope and assume that your sex life wasn’t this awful and one-sided when you got married 20 years ago. Talk about what worked then, where things went awry and how you can get back to a place that feels good for you both.
Don’t worry, Cunnilingusless, your dick, ego and dick’s ego don’t need to be out of the equation forever. But if you want to renew your sexual vows, they certainly need to take a backseat for now.