Kicking and screaming in the candy aisle never landed you those lollipops when you were a toddler, and it certainly won’t get you the sugar you crave in the adult candyland of sex, either. Use your words, dear, and maybe you’ll actually get the Jolly Rauncher, Almond Joys and Pay Days you’re lusting after.
Our uncontrollable, sexytime utterances like moaning and groaning show our appreciation, encourage our partners and make us feel sexy. However, when it comes to getting exactly what you want, using your dirty, filthy, disgusting words may be the surest way to satisfy your sweet tooth. Also, it’s hot.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Before you throw a tantrum…
Half the battle of daring dirty talk (besides gathering the guts to speak up) is finding the right vocabulary. There are just so many words for our naughty bits, how ever is sailor-mouthed seductress to choose?
Borrow from the writers and theater geeks and find your “voice” or “persona.” Who will you be tonight? The Begging Bottom? Domineering Dude? Damsel in Distress? Each of these erotic alter egos are born with their own unique manner of speaking. While a bossy-pants might say a lot of “Do _____!” or “Go like _____” or “I said ______,” the pouting princess might moan more “Pleases,” “Thank yous” and “Anything but ______!”
When it comes to specific word choice, you want to find the titillating terminology that works for both you and your partner. Though a simple Google search can give you plenty of naughty nouns and moist-making modifiers to choose from, when it comes to filthy phrases, one person’s trashy treasure can definitely be another person’s turnoff. There are a few ways to approach this. You can simply try some smut on for size in the moment and check in about favorites after-the-fact, or you can list off some lusty linguistics beforehand and check off your mutual likes.
If you’re having a hard time finding the right words, read some erotica, either to yourself or aloud to your sweetie-pie honey-bunch. Putting someone else’s words in your mouth not only bolsters your saucy sayings, but eases fears that you’ll “say something stupid.” Cleis Press has the best erotica, in steamy themed selections such as Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories and Bottoms Up: Spanking Good Stories. For an educational spin, read Carol Queen’s Exhibitionism for the Shy, which includes explicit instruction on dirty talk, discovering your sexual alias and sharing desires with partners.
When it comes time to actually spit out the smut, warm up with concrete examples. Talk about what’s currently happening (“I love it when you _____ my ____ like that!”), what you’d like to do next (“I can’t wait to _______!”), flattering observations (“Oh my god, your ____ is so ____ right now!”), or what’s happening in your imagination (“I can’t stop thinking about you ____-ing me!”).
Strategic name-calling can ramp up the raunch, but tread lightly here. Derogatory pet names get many people’s juices flowing, but words like “bitch,” “slut” and other flavors of female-bashing smut are powerfully loaded in a culture of female-focused sexual violence. While a guess-and-check method might be fun otherwise, always check in about name-calling first, especially if you don’t know your partner’s past or her triggers.
Speaking of which… being “taken” is a common fantasy and the word “No” can go a long way for people with these desires. However, consent should always be top priority in the sack (no matter how dirty your sheets). Talk beforehand about whether you want to incorporate “no” and “stop” into your XXX-rated repertoire and, if so, make a “safe word” which, when said, really, actually, seriously means everything stops. Choose a safe word that isn’t a complete mood-killer (“Grandma!”) but that you wouldn’t say during sex (“Dick!”). When this word is said, stop immediately and check in with each other. When in doubt, always pause and ask. Using a gag? Give your bottom a bell to ring.
Trying new things is precarious! Dirty talk, like any sexual experimentation, will come much more easily with someone you trust. And if you get the dirty talk down right, maybe you will, too.•