Now that we’ve all survived the end/beginning of the world on December 21st, we can get down to what’s really important—dieting for our New Year’s resolutions. This year, my diet’s going to be strict, and it’ll really work. Not because I think that losing 10 pounds is cool, or that I could afford to lose an entire arm’s worth of weight on my body. But because I’ll be having So. Much. Sex. What is this miracle weight-dropping sex diet?
Maca Roots: Once upon a time in the Peruvian Andes, some farmers noticed that their livestock were wandering over to nosh on maca root. They couldn’t get enough of this plant, the only one that grows and survives at such an altitude. And then they couldn’t get enough of each other. My, oh, my, the copulation! So the farmers were all, “I’m gonna eat this sexy stuff, too!” And then the overalls started coming off right and left because maca root really does it for your sexual stamina and libido. And, hey, it strengthens your immune system, too!
Cacao: The magical stuff responsible for chocolate. Sure, we all know the classic stereotype that chocolate gets the ladies going. The darker the better. The natural stimulants in dark chocolate fuel physical agility in all kinds of bodies, but those with penises might also find that it helps stave off early climax.
Chili Peppers: Man, I knew I was attracted to burly men with Southern drawls for a reason! Those men, and their charming chili-eating contests. The essential compound that gives chilies their heat, capsaicin, when ingested is also responsible for a mega-influx of endorphins, which not only makes us feel that addicting spicy-food rush, but also makes us more desirable to partners. When we eat super-spicy foods like chilies, our lips get slightly swollen, our face and chests get a little flushed, we might get a little sweaty, and—shoot, we look like we just got laid! And, apparently, that makes people want to lay you.
Oysters: Could they be any more like pocket-sized vaginas? And their high zinc levels “improve male sexual potency,” whatever that means.
Garlic: Not great for the breath or for encouraging hot vampires to suck your jugular out of your neck, but… the increased level of allicin in garlic actually directs blood flow right to your genitals. And because it’s so good for your immune system, it helps prevent sexual fatigue. Rumor has it that garlic is such a powerful aphrodisiac that Tibetan monks used to be barred from entering their monastery after eating it.
Pomegranate juice, guava and figs: Forget Bob Dole’s little blue favorite; these tropical choices improve circulation, kill free radicals and are great antioxidants, all things that put the “fun” back in erectile dysfunction.
Asparagus: Chock full of potassium, thiamine, folic acid and vitamins A, C and E, these little green monsters are primed to increase the intensity of your orgasms. But asparagus is also known to make your pee smell funny and therefore your sexual secretions taste… off. So maybe you want to wait a few dates before chowing down on the ‘gus.
Honey: Back in the day, newly married couples would drink lots of mead (made from fermented honey) partly to celebrate but also because the honey was known to spark off a good marriage, if you know what I mean. And so we got the term “honeymoon,” thanks to this golden sticky icky whose B vitamins aid in both testosterone and estrogen production.
Licorice: Or more importantly, the smell of licorice. Alan R. Hirsch, the guy with the really demanding job of neurological director at the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago spent a lot of important time studying how smells affect sexual arousal. A whiff of black licorice (not red!) increased blood flow to the penis by 13 percent. When combined with the smell of fresh doughnuts, that figure jumped to 32 percent.
What gets the blood pumping to vaginas? Cucumbers—low-calorie, boring and pretty much scentless. I can think of a few different things to do with a cucumber that will get me a lot hotter than sniffing it will. Happy 2013!