Hi , Yana,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and living together since August. When we first started dating, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. He’s also the only guy I’ve been with that will make me come every time.
Now I know that when people first start dating, this is usually how it is. Then things fizzle out. However, my sex drive has taken a complete nose dive. I am never horny or turned on, whether it’s alone or with my guy… nothing. I used to masturbate several times a week and haven’t even done this in a very long time.
Is there something wrong with me? My boyfriend is feeling rejected and feels like it must be him, but it’s not! Any tips on how to fix this? Should I see a doctor?
—Not Horny and Lost
I’m sorry to hear that the horneymoon for you and your live-in boyfriend is over. But, hey, it happens.
“Wait! I said it’s not him!”—right? Couples, especially those that are totes in love, tend to oversimplify their sex lives, thinking that they each bring their own sexual shit to the table and that we’re responsible only for ourselves if and when those puzzle pieces don’t seamlessly fit together. But in reality it always takes two (sometimes more) to tango, and our experiences of sex, especially with a long-term partner, are intertwined. We don’t need to place blame, but let’s not just sweep his role under the bearskin fireside rug. Assure him that it’s not his fault, but his feeling ego-bruised won’t help anything. For now, if his libido is faring fine and yours is flailing, both of you should focus on how to make your sexual experiences more enjoyable.
A waning libido can be caused by many things, so I’ve got questions. I’m wondering when your libido started tanking in relation to when you and prince charming shacked up. It’s wonderful to be able to fight, fart and fuck all in one place, but it’s not always the sexiest scenario. Maybe you need some more distance to make the heart grow… hornier.
It’s super-fantastic that your boy regularly gets you off, but how does he do it? Just because orgasms are climactic doesn’t mean that they can’t also be unexciting. Being turned on is all about anticipation, so create something new to look forward to. Go to the sex toy store. Explore a previously ignored fantasy. Rent some porn. This doesn’t mean your routines aren’t great, it just means we don’t always eat what’s in the fridge. Sometimes we gotta eat out.
Taking new medications? Stressed? Any mega life changes? Are you exercising regularly, eating healthy foods and otherwise pampering yourself to feel physically sexy? That’s what your doc will ask. But ever since I noticed that the only lube on my gynecologist’s speculum is KY Jelly (which otherwise doesn’t touch my body with a 20-foot dildo), I’ve decided that most docs don’t technically know much about good sex.
Instead of wasting dough on online “libido enhancements,” get a boost from natural remedies like Hathor Aphrodisia Pure, a lube that claims to naturally enhance libido with garden-fresh ingredients like Horny Goat Weed, Jujube Zizyphus and Siberian Ginseng.
Then there’s the universal sex question: “Is something wrong with me?” It’s total mythology that the ideal sex drive is a high one. We all go through libidinous cycles depending on hormone levels, present company and the external factors listed above. As one who is going through an astrological phase myself, I suspect that your sex drive could also be mapped into your stars.
What I mean is, chill, NHL! Your extreme attention to never being horny tells me that you’re a little too hyperaware of your state of sexual arousal. I can just imagine your alarm going off in the morning: “Am I horny right now?” Driving to work: “Horny yet?” Sending an email: “Loins! Why aren’t you stirring?” The best kinds of turn-ons are organically derived, NHL. Just know that some day you’ll definitely find yourself horny again. Because if you’re not careful, this could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.•