I’m pissed at you guys. I’m starting to think that I only write this column for my two loyal fans—my wife (obligatory) and Westfield Wonder Woman (WWW), the hopelessly sexually exploratory and loyal-as-lice V-Spot reader who’s managed to write me questions not once, not twice but thrice before any of the rest of you cowards have mustered the ovaries/balls/silicone dildo testicles to ask me anonymous questions about your sexy (or unsexy) sex lives.
I’m going to call bullshit on the excuse that y’all have sex down to such an art that you need no further advice/education and urge you to write in (firstname.lastname@example.org). I don’t bite (un-consensually) and I’m sick of sitting at my kitchen counter staring at a bottle of Sassy Booty Formula and stuffing my face with Reese’s Pieces as I sweat over what more I should say about strangers’ vaginas. I love sex (writing) but I’m lazy. Let me receive for you. I’m really good at it.
Now, W.W.W., naturally, is a multi-orgasmic broad who’s been tricked into believing crap Internet “sexpertise” over her own experience. W.W.W. says she’s multi-orgasmic; the Internet says, “I hate female pleasure and think that multi-Os are actually just aftershocks of one single orgasm, like an earthquake.”
Seeing as we all know W.W.W. pretty well by now, it’s no shocker that she and her freak-show-amazing partner have been elbow-deep in field research and have determined via manual tracking of her cervical contractions before and after each climax that she’s undoubtedly having multiple orgasms.
But W.W.W. loves to brag under the guise of wanting to know my thoughts on the issue. Do I “believe” in multiple orgasms, or do I feel they’re all part of the same orgasm, as some “sexperts” suggest (her scoffing air-quotes, not mine)?
Now it’s my turn to brag—I mean, scoff. Do I believe in multiple orgasms? Puh-leez—I couldn’t make it through the grocery store’s express check-out lane with the amount of orgasms I can pack into one sex session. But let’s prove it.
I hope you’ve heard of Masters and Johnson’s famous 1966 research that identified five stages of female orgasm:
1. Desire—the mental want for sexy times.
2. Arousal—the physical response sparked by desire (some obvious arousal indicators are getting wet or hard: a not-so-obvious is the quickening of your pulse or breathing).
3. Plateau—that pre-orgasm happy place in which our sexual stimulus and desire/arousal mesh into continuous pleasure and we feel that we’re on the brink of something really great, like a sneeze, but it’s an orgasm.
4. Orgasm! This begins during Plateau and technically involves a series of involuntary muscle contractions, especially around the pelvis. Untechnically it involves a lot of toe-flexing (just me?), hootin’, hollerin’ and taking of names in vain.
5. Resolution—post-orgasm physical and psychological relaxation. Without orgasm, this phase is simply the return to your “normal” unaroused state.
In the case of multi-Os, you waffle between Plateau and Orgasm, having a series of orgasms without ever hitting Resolution. The more orgasms you have in your multiple streak, the closer together they’ll get and the easier they’ll (and you’ll) come. They often feel different from each other, and it’s likely that the first orgasm you have will feel like the biggest deal—not necessarily more intense or better, but as the leader of the pack, the first might feel like the earthquake to your multi-orgasmic aftershocks that follow.
Another earthquake-ish misunderstanding propagated by haters of the multi-O may actually be residual, pleasurable muscle contractions mistaken for orgasms. Multiple orgasms are orgasms in their own right, requiring continuous stimulation (usually of the clitoris). If you have one body-rocking orgasm and then stop direct stimulation, the muscle-contraction party started on your pelvic floor during orgasm can continue in the form of little spasms that, while they may feel nice, aren’t necessarily orgasms.
So are multiple orgasms a learned skill? A biologically blessed birthright? Do I feel more sexually superior the higher I climb on the orgasm Richter Scale? You bet. Come join me up here at the top next week.