While I was working in sex toy stores, many catch phrases came out of my mouth. “Well, how big was your first butt plug?” “This dildo doesn’t attract cat hair.” “I don’t know, you should taste it.” But the most common was, “How about some lube?”
It’s the equivalent of the drive-thru’s “Would you like fries with that?” Asking people what kind of lube they wanted to slather on their XXX purchase seemed as obvious to me as hawking some salty formerly-potato goodness with a Big Mac. However, I’m sure Burger King customers don’t laugh in the cashier’s face when she asks them if they want fries. So why have so many sex shop customers guffawed at me when offered the slippery stuff?
I constantly prattle about my favorite lubes and preach “wetter’s better.” But the truth of the matter is, lube comes with a lot of baggage. Rather, women’s vaginas and how they do or do not naturally self-lubricate comes with a lot of baggage, and the “need” for lube is viewed as a weakness because of it. Stranger still, many women feel “holier than thou” for not using lube. WTF?
The excuses I’ve heard for avoiding lube are endless. “I’m too young to be ‘dry’.” “I heard that if you use lube, the condom will come off.” “It’s not natural.” “I’m allergic.” “But I’m totally attracted to my boyfriend.” They’re poor justifications for the normalization of ignorance surrounding female sexual pleasure (still!). But if using lube equals less friction, more pleasurable slip-‘n’-slide, less vaginal/rectal tearing, increased sensation for the condom wearer and easier penetration, why aren’t we using it? Why are we making excuses to avoid our own pleasure?
And when did “dry” become a dirty word? Your vagina is not a boring alcohol-free party. It isn’t located in the Sahara. It doesn’t need a drink of water. The simple truth is, we all self-lubricate differently depending on our diets, medications, hydration and, sure, level of sexual stimulation and attraction to our partners. Birth control pills and other daily medications like antidepressants are a vaginal moisture-suck. So is stress, smoking, or ingesting too much salt. Where you are in your menstrual cycle (ovulation is your “wettest” stage) also influences your organic lubrication.
Lube isn’t ‘natural’? Neither are dildos, bikini waxes or condoms, but they all play a big role in many happy sex lives.
One bad experience with glycerin-laced KY jelly and suddenly you’re deathly allergic to the stuff? Experiment with organic, glycerin-free lubes. Past columns can show you the way.
A condom can slip off if you put it on incorrectly and then douse it with half a bottle of lube, sure. But usually lube doesn’t sabotage condoms. Friction does. Too much friction can also further deplete vaginal moisture. And putting a drop inside the condom (or gloves) not only increases sensation for the wearer but it combats… friction!
Vaginal wetness is not a love-o-meter. No one’s going to pop your hood, insert a dipstick and then tell you whether or not you’ve got enough oil to keep the car running. There are no standards but your own.
If you don’t get enough foreplay before penetration, if you’re not in an erotic mental or physical state, if you’re understimulated (hello, it’s called a clitoris!) or if you’re really just not sexually attracted to your sweetie pie, your body might tell you by not lubin’ up.
Make sure you’re only having sex when you want to with the people you desire, and doing the things that feel best. If you’re unsure if your lack of lube is caused by your medication or a faltering sex life, masturbate! If you’re wet and wild without your sugar but feeling like you could sand down a 2-by-4 when he/she’s around, it’s time to reassess what you do in the sack.
Conversely, just because you gush the second she/he breathes on you doesn’t mean you’re satisfied physically or emotionally. Maybe you’re just a moist lady.
Either way, keep communication about your sex life flowing and the lube will follow, whether it comes from a bottle or from you.