Joy to the World!
Giving a lady a sexy gift is almost as much about what you don’t get her as what you do.
We’ve all had those moments when we thought a slinky piece of lingerie would be a good gift for us both, but then it was too big or, maybe even worse, too small. Too skanky (“You think I’m wearing that?”) or not revealing enough (“Yeah, nothing makes me feel sexier than a bathrobe. You might as well cover me up with a pair of flannel pajamas!”).
In my modest sexperience, most women (present company excluded, of course) will respond better to suggestive sex gifts rather than flat-out f*ck-me solicitations poorly disguised by shiny wrapping paper. A big, veiny rubber dildo you picked up a certain Northampton mega-porn store sends the message, “I don’t know where your G-spot is, nor do I care.”
If a little penetrative play is what you’re going for, opt instead for lavish materials such as the gorgeous, G-spot-hitting, stainless steel Fun Wand by Njoy.
With two penetrative ends, one smooth, one beaded (and therefore great for anal play, too), this toy says “Let’s get fancy in the pantsy.” In a good way. If it’s the rear entrance to the chimney Santa-baby’s looking for, a glass plug by Luxotiq or Njoy’s series of weighted Pure Plugs will get you there.
Don’t get her the Rabbit vibrator just because you’ve heard of it. It’s been years since Kim Cattrall faked an on-screen orgasm to this little hopper.
Instead, show some sophistication with the Lelo Soraya. This pricey beauty features dual motors for the same simultaneous internal and clitoral stimulation the aforementioned bunny is famous for, but also comes packed with multiple vibration settings, is silicone, rechargeable and waterproof, and looks, as it should, like a grown-up toy.
Admit the clitoral truth that fewer than 35 percent of women can orgasm from penetrative sex alone, and get the girl something to add to her hot chocolate besides your candy cane. Lelo’s new SenseMotion couple’s vibrator, specially designed to be worn during penetration for clitoral vibration (recently covered in “Gettin’ Freaky Geaky,” November 24, 2011), or a vibrating cock ring can do winter wonders.
Whether you’re a bottoming girlfriend or a boyfriend who wants to bend over, ASLAN’s Crystal Minx harness is a great gift for that girlie top or prissy pegger in your life. Made from the softest leather in cherry red, candy pink or baby blue complete with a corset-tied back panel, the Minx harness is exactly what it sounds like—the kind of harness a lady might use with a diamond-encrusted dildo whilst rolling around on a faux fur rug, fireside, on your yacht.
If you’re hard pressed to a find a diamond-encrusted dildo (plus, ouch!), try Vixen Creations’ Leo dildo in the limited holiday color Silver Sparkles (sheboptheshop.com) or in limited-edition gold, found exclusively at Babeland.com.
The practical gift giver might try JeJoue’s kegel exercising beads, Ami, a three-piece set of different weights and shapes for a well-rounded regimen to strengthen the pubococcygeus muscles responsible for stronger orgasms, a tighter vaginal canal, easier childbirth and later-life incontinence prevention.
Finally, instead of promising sex for a XXXmas, promise new sex all year round by learning a fresh skill to bring between the snowflake-printed flannel sheets.
Obviously, I’ll always recommend Tristan Taormino’s educational porn guides. Or you can turn the titillating pages of instructional books like Violet Blue’s The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Strap-On Sex, Showing You The Ropes by The Two Knotty Boys or The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.
Better yet, instead of giving the gift that keeps on giving, be the gift that keeps on giving. Warm your hands by her fire, sprinkle your sugar on her holiday cookie and get your tongue stuck to her like a cold pole in your very own Christmas story.