Top of the Moaning To Ya!
Yesterday I watched porn for breakfast. I’m not usually an a.m. porn-watcher. But when Tristan Taormino (well, her assistant) sends me a porno in the mail, I feel special, and therefore inclined to add some extra “oh’s to my morning Cheerios.
Tristan Taormino (puckerup.com) is a name dropped often in the column as her unique line of pornographic Expert Guides intersects perfectly with my favorite writing topics like cunnilingus, threesomes and anal sex. Her educational flicks include brief workshops taught by the nerdesquely approachable Taormino and continue into explicit pornographic scenes that promote…well…visual, hands-on learning.
So here I am drinking coffee in my bathrobe, watching Taormino’s just-released Expert Guide to Female Orgasms. For the first half-hour, Taormino’s smiling face patiently divulges the secrets of the lady O, from the arousal process to clitoral stimulation, the G-spot and even anal play, interspersed with interview clips from the film’s diverse performers and their partners. The information is thorough but concise, and the interviews add a personal, gossiping-with-my-friends feel.
By the time I reach the first sex scene, starring Katie St. Ives and Sean Michaels, my mind’s rightfully in the gutter, eager to get to the goods. It starts with a joint interview about their personal experiences with female orgasm (receiving and giving respectively) and why they love to perform together.
The chemistry between them is tangible, Michaels affectionately rubbing St. Ives’ booty as she (a freaking adorable girl-next-door) gushes away. By the time the sex starts, I’m rooting for them to “do it” like one of those jerks in a Jackass movie. I’m into it faster than I should be. A mere five minutes passes and it becomes obvious that note-taking is not how my hands should be occupied.
And that’s when my partner walks in— she, home from the gym, and I, defacing her computer with my porn-watching, all caffeinated, blushing and squirmy. It’s like getting caught with my hand in the cookie jar, except it isn’t actually in the cookie jar, which is the whole problem, really.
For many couples, maybe it would be the porn-watching that would be problematic. But for us, my watching porn simply “comes with the job.” The problem here is that usually something else “comes with the job,” too.
So what’s the dilemma? She’s here! Perfect timing, right?
Getting off on porn together—totally! One person being halfway there and the other rushing between gym and work—not the best pairing. Uncharacteristically shy when it comes to watching porn in front of others, I attempt to hide behind my “professional porn reviewer” facade. Suddenly I’m a very diligent note-taker. But the on-screen sex just gets better. Time for a cold shower.
While the shower seems like the perfect hideout for some undercover me time, my illogical sexual conscience kicks in, telling me that if I’m going to abuse the detachable shower head because of Katie St. Ives and Sean Michaels, my partner should be involved, or at least aware. But our timing’s all wrong. So I just shower. Which is stupid as my masturbatory moment passes, leaving me blue-balled and caffeinated for the rest of the day, unable to write any porn review at all.
But why? Is Taormino’s porn so good that I, professionally soaked in pornos, can’t even make it through the first scene without melting? Not to offend St Ives’ and Michaels’ sexing (because it was h.o.t.), but it wasn’t the penetration or the moans that did it. Turns out, I’m just a porn nerd. Taormino’s inclusive, educational tidbits and the performers’ honest soundbites were foreplay to someone who loves learning almost as much as she loves sex. St. Ives’ and Michaels’ genuine interview and sex scene driven by a communicative, playful lovin’ I wish on all sex partners actually made me giggle as much as it made me… you know.
I watched the rest of the film eventually. And its entirety was filled with diverse variations of the same, naughtily wholesome sex, real bodies and chemistry-packed couplings, all refreshingly centered around the female orgasm. Yes, Taormino’s Expert Guide to Female Orgasms turned me on. Debilitated me. But it also made me smile. And that’s porn worth waking up to.